Saturday, October 4, 2014

The White Queen, Beyond Endless Tides Vol. 1 by Charles F Bond - Not Market-Ready but Has Potential

2 Stars

I hate writing bad reviews. It hurts my heart but in the hopes that the author will heed some constructive criticism and perhaps take an ok book to a good or even great one - here goes.

1. The language. This is a rookie mistake. Here's one paragraph from the book: "Any blood spilled was a beacon for hackas five hundred strokes, or more, away. A pack of smaller hackas, Desentines, swift and nimble, moved into view from the nic. Her tamur would be among the ligphurs and as the Desentine pack, numbering around forty closed in on them , she tensed."

Hackas? Desentines? Nic? Tamur? Ligphurs? That is just one paragraph! I only just found out (from reading other reviews) that there is a glossary in the back. In the kindle version that should be in front - or better yet use real words. Blood is blood in the book, fins and tails are fins and tails, I assume the author was trying to immerse us in the peculiar oceanic world he created by using peculiar and foreign language. Far from achieving that he instead created a slur of jibberish that throws the reader from the story to either reel in confusion, look in the glossary, or skim past the offending words substituting "blah-blah." I have to be honest, I cannot finish the book as written in the version I purchased. It reads like Mad Libs filled in by a foreign speaker.

The language thing is a big deal. My advice - choose 5 or less mermaid words that you feel are most important and make sure they are well explained the moment they are first presented. Nix the rest. I just can't keep reading. I've been thrown from the story so much I honestly don't care what happens... but I want to!

2. Excessive and incorrect comma use. Examples: "Take, Morg, to, Vert Ravine." - "Go with, Ethos, he'll keep you safe." - "But the porene are more loyal to my haspur than, Leader Lyon." A book has to be clean before put on the market. A few mistakes are permissible but this level of sloppiness is not ok.

This book needs an editor so very badly. At the very least it needs to be read and critiqued by several beta readers. I think that once the 2 main issues are addressed it will be a good book. A girl/mermaid refuses to be hurt by her clan, runs away which leads to a clan battle, and is told to go see the White Queen who can see the future. Except that it reads more like: A mur refuses to be hurt by her Inyarl Shawl, runs away... See what I mean?

Note to the author: I'm sorry if you read this and think I'm insulting you or calling you a bad writer. I'm not. I only give these critiques because this book is not market ready and with a bit more work it definitely could be. I WANT to find out what happens to Morg when the necessary corrections are made and a new version/edition is available. Like I said, I see the intent behind the language but it just doesn't matter to the reader. I think you have massive potential. From what I could understand of the world you created it is interesting and the plot seems solid. Please, consider these constructive criticisms and take your work to the next level. I will be more than happy to read your new finished edition when it becomes available. At that time I will absolutely alter this review to reflect the newer edition. I appreciate your effort and it is with respect for you as a fellow indie author that I offer these critiques.

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