Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Process of Writing - Second to Third Draft

Third Draft:

It was a steamy summer day in Montgomery Texas. [D1] I was shopping on my lunch break at HEB and came across a bright green box with a sexy lady silhouette on it that read, “Chinese Super Dieters Tea.” I’ve always struggled with my weight and the idea of a tea that would help me shed pounds was enticing. I bought it and went back to work.

The office was busy and under-staffed, [D2] as usual. At the time of the incident [D3] I worked for an optometrist’s office and ran the fr[D4] ont desk. Before returning to my post [D5] I followed the instructions on the box: steep one tea bag in a covered cup filed with boiling water for no more than two minutes.
With that done[D6] , I added some sweet n low and took it to the front desk with me. The afternoon [D7] rush hit. The waiting room was full of people either waiting to be seen by the doctor or choosing[D8]  glasses. The phone was ringing off the hook. Just another typical day[D9] .

Suddenly,[D10]  I began to feel a terrible pain[D11]  in my bowels. Cramps seized me, followed by gurgle gut[D12] . A cold sweat broke out on my [D13] forehead. Every muscle strained with the effort of not exploding diarrhea out of my butt in front of all those people. There was no one to take over the front desk[D14]  so that I could run to the toilet. To make things worse, the only restroom in the whole office was a public[D15]  one right there in the waiting room.

Nothing was left to the imagination with that restroom[D16] . My coworker would listen to make sure people washed their hands before they came out. It [D17] didn’t matter anyway; I’d have to go right there in front of everyone.[D18]  I wouldn’t make it if I tried to go somewhere else. I had to go, and I had to go RIGHT NOW!

The moment finally came. The [D19] rush settled and the waiting room cleared.[D20]  I bolted to the bathroom.
Hollering, “You cover the front!” to nobody in particular, I closed and locked the door.

I turned on both the hot and cold water at full strength just to try and mask some of the noise that was sure to come. I was still [D21] cold-sweating and doubling over with cramps. I hadn’t had any children yet but I was pretty sure it would feel like this. [D22] 
I’ll stop here and spare you the details of[D24]  hot[D25]  lava spraying from[D26]  my anus like Mount Vesuvius into the toilet of Pompeii. Suffice it[D27]  to say, I never took the “diet tea” at work again. I re-[D28] named it “poo tea” because that’s really what it was. That’s all it did. Not[D29]  exactly the type of weight loss I was hoping for. Take it from me; you don’t want to try it!

 [D9]changed. I know it’s a fragment but I choose to keep it for style purposes.
 [D13]cut “face and”
 [D17]cut “You could hear everything people did in there!”
 [D20]made 2 sentences
 [D23]I added this since the POV changes.
 [D25]cut “my butt and”
 [D27]looked it up. This is correct.

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